Gifts of Illness

For this post I want to focus on the unexpected gifts I have received as a result of becoming ill and having everything turned upside down. To clarify, I think it's important to continue to find things we can be grateful for in life but this is something quite different. What I refer to here are positive things that have happened purely as a result of dealing with being unwell.

I had a very traumatic childhood and lived amongst some quite horrific day-to-day events. I had to witness things that no child should be subjected to and I was forced to give up the normal care-free childhood and grow up too quickly. And yet, although I wouldn't in a million years want to repeat those experiences, I have always been aware that they brought their own unexpected gifts. I gained a level of maturity and sensitivity much earlier than my peers, I came to appreciate the immense importance of a home environment that is secure and full of love. I realised the damage alcohol abuse can cause and therefore greatly reduced my likelihood of ever having a drinking problem. And I developed a hatred of violence that made me someone who didn't see my fists as ways of resolving anything.

In the same way, getting sick recently has allowed me to receive positive insights that will also hopefully stay with me throughout my life. I have gained an appreciation of the simple pleasures that can lift my spirits. None of those things are related to how much money I have, what type of car I own or whether I have the latest gadgets or designer clothes. My cat wrapping her big bushy tail around me when I'm in pain or feeling down. The sound of raindrops on the window. Being able to walk across the room without being breathless. There are countless other examples but what links them all is that they are essentially free and often taken for granted.

This also extends to my body. The old truism "at least you have your health" really cannot be argued with. I know that now, although I never did before. Now that all those 'automatic' functions we all take for granted have gone haywire in my body I can finally appreciate what a wonderful instrument the human body truly is. For years it served me well, even if I taxed it with various toxins or unhealthy additions. Just think about it for a minute - our temperature, heart beat, breathing, energy supply, brain function, blood flow ... they all just 'work' ... until they don't. Never again will I be so dismissive of good health.

And then there are others in my life. I have always been very comfortable being in my own company, sometimes too much so, and I've been very cautious about allowing people into my world or offering my friendship. I've also always been a little too aware of how I might portray myself to others. Now, my dignity is hanging by a thread. Thankfully, I can still carry out all my 'personal care' needs but it's touch and go sometimes. And so, I am starting to discover the joy of surrounding myself with people who accept me for me. People who don't need me to impress or entertain them. This is also allowing me to develop more compassion for humanity. I have been quite hard and cynical over the years, probably as a result of what I learnt about how unreliable and selfish people could be when I was a child. Now I am beginning to appreciate the beauty in certain individuals much more and to give them, and myself, more of a break. The standards I've set for myself and those around me have always been far too high and now I can be much more forgiving.

The other side of that though is that I have an acceptance that there are people who have been in my life who will naturally drift out of it now I'm not able to partake in socialising etc. I was sad about that at first but now I'm accepting and calm about it. There will also be people who I come to realise are not helpful to my wellbeing now that I have so little energy to spare. Another gift of getting ill is that I no longer feel the need to try to work out and solve everyone's problems for them. I used to do that even if they never asked or wanted me to!

Finally, I have been given the gift of just being who I am. It's ironic that I worked on trying to uncover the real me for years without success and now that I've been struck down the real me has come to the fore naturally. I realise this may all sound rather 'new age' but I don't care. I'll end with a gift that all of us have but don't take advantage of ... the joy of doing and thinking nothing. Sometimes I have no choice but to just disconnect from any type of activity and remove all thoughts. Those periods of staring into space with a glazed expression and a slack jaw are wonderful - try it ;)

Decisions

I should begin my reassuring any readers that I'm not going to be wallowing in self-pity this time around. My previous update showed a very unattractive aspect of how I'm coping with being ill and I know it didn't paint me in a very good light. However, I wanted to acknowledge that there are days when I feel exceptionally sorry for myself and get angry with 'fate' for bestowing this on me. Writing about how unfair life is becomes a pointless task and it helps nobody to read it so I will be avoiding such posts in future.

Today I want to focus on some great work being done on M.E./CFS in the form of an upcoming documentary. Please visit this link for more information. Part of the pre-production work is asking those impacted by the illness to post their personal stories in the form of videos. Seeing an intelligent, determined woman be reduced to only being able to speak in a whisper and hearing a story of a child with the condition who wasn't believed and was taken away from his parents by social services then thrown in a swimming pool to force him to swim allows me to once again be thankful that I am not in the grasp of something much worse than my current condition. I will try to post more information on this documentary as progress continues.

Also, over the past week or so, I've made decisions about my future and taken action. I have now contacted my University to confirm I am unable to attend this year. And, I have sold my car. I was avoiding making both of these decisions as they are confirmation of my current loss of independence but it was unrealistic for me to hope against hope that I would make a miracle recovery and I actually feel inwardly calm now the decisions have been made.

I had a period recently where I was achieving sustained bursts of feeling mentally alert (although obviously not too alert as I managed to scald myself with hot tea and knock my laptop over, busting the hard drive!). I was having period of 4 or 5 hours at a time when my mind felt light and clear and I was able to concentrate on tasks. This was bliss and I mistakenly took it as a signal I was recovering after 4 months or so of illness. Needless to say, it was only a temporary thing and I am back to being zonked again and having long period of having to stare into space or sleep. It's disappointing to feel back at square one again but I think that is just the nature of the illness and I will in future just be grateful for those brief periods of lucidity.

Take care,

Barry